Do you feel like you are here to help the world but haven’t figured out how or in what way you are going to do that? You feel like, “Where is my big sign or my huge ah-ha moment that is going to change my life and career”?
Why am I here? What’s my purpose?
These are the big questions. On a spiritual level, I know the answer is to be self-aware, to learn and grow, and to simply be. But in the material 3D world, what was I supposed to do here? Up until recently, the answer seemed to elude me. I have never wanted a family and children, but I always thought that I would be “called” to do something great with my life. I thought that had a purpose in “helping save the world”. So where was my big grand action plan?
I have been spiritual since childhood and into alternative healing practices since my late teens and I’ve always felt like an old soul. However, something had always been lacking in my life. My true calling of a career that aligned with my purpose. I went seeking my purpose, started taking workshop after workshop, retreat after retreat, and going to healer after healer. I became a practitioner in so many therapies I don’t even remember them all.
I became a spiritual junkie. Hooked on the latest practice and hopping from one to the next looking for my big ah-ha moment. I became a healer on the side but never thought it could be more than a side job. I was also living overseas teaching English and I was convinced English was the barrier to it being a fulltime job (even though others were doing it). However, not only did I lack the confidence to go all in, it didn’t feel right. My passion wasn’t there.
Throughout my life I had a repeating voice that kept resurfacing saying “You need to be, relax, meditate, that is enough. Be a light. It’s the present moment and the second by second thoughts that will set you free”. But I kept avoiding this for a couple of reasons.
#1) I was convinced that by just being I couldn’t make any money and I didn’t trust my higher self/The Universe/God/Source, whatever you may call it, enough to let go and take care of me. Being wasn’t doing. And I didn’t know how I was going to just “be”. I needed an action plan. And instead of waiting, I kept thinking that eventually, I was going to have to come up with it.
#2) Monitoring my thoughts minute by minute and second by second takes a lot of work. It was easier to convince myself that a big moment would come, knock me off my feet, and change my life, so I kept searching. Not to say that I didn’t have big moments and glimpses of awareness that were amazing however, the moments, days or weeks didn’t last.
I still held on to this idea of “purpose = a career I loved = happiness” and kept looking, convinced that once I found my “purpose” I would be in a much more constant state of happiness and bliss.
But the years passed and eventually decades, and little by little I got more and more discouraged, leaving me to think that I was never going to find my purpose. So much so that one day I just stopped trying. I left the spiritual world, stopped healing, stopped reading about it, stopped going to retreats and workshops. I focused mostly on the “real world”. I felt betrayed, hurt, isolated, and confused by Source/The Universe/God/Self, whatever name you call it.
How could I have all of this information and healing knowledge and not be called to do anything major? How could I not know my purpose? I felt like I was an old soul but questioned that too. I felt worthless and like a failure. The progress I made over the years to open up came to a halt. I closed down emotionally, spiritually, and put on some weight physically to shield myself from the pain of the world. I had always struggled with depression but I really spiraled down.
Finally, after about 4 or 5 years, I was in a career that I really loathed and it got to a point I couldn’t keep going, so I left. It left me feeling more confused, angry, and disappointed in myself. I had no idea what I was going to do. I had spent a considerable amount of time, money, and energy in a career that I didn’t like. But I knew I couldn’t go back.
However, that was my tipping point. It was my kick in the butt that I needed to get back on track. Somehow I needed to get back into the spiritual world. I looked at where I was and thought, how am I going to do this? I started taking a couple of online courses to help me get back out there. Then I went to some in-person trainings. However, I again forced the issue, feeling as though I had to tell the Universe how I was going to make money with my spiritual practice. This did not go according to plan. Imagine that! Hahahaha!
After about a year and a half I finally listened to that voice and waved my little white flag. I surrendered. I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I decided to just be where I was instead of where I thought I should be.
I FINALLY started monitoring my thoughts (the best I could, it’s getting better and better every day), started listening to Abraham Hicks again and Kryon, and being grateful for everything that I had in my life, and content without having a purpose.
Well, needless to say, everything changed. I woke up happier, my days became more joyous, and I stopped beating myself up. I started doing more things in my day that were fun so more positive energy and fun could come into my life.
And FINALLY, I’ve realized I’ve known my purpose all along I just didn’t see it the way the universe has presented it to me. It also didn’t come like a big ah-ha moment. It came little by little. Tweaking things here and there, trying things, changing direction again and again. And over time, one day, I just knew my purpose. I also now know that this might not be the only form that it takes.
I had always wanted to help the planet and people evolve. However, I thought it was going to be through industry and a concrete career not blogging.
I’ve realized my purpose is to share my knowledge, experience, and resources to help others find their purpose and live from their hearts. I want to help others and the world evolve and live their lives in happiness and joy. I need to be at the highest vibration that I can possibly be and help others get there, too.
I have always wanted this but thought it was too idealistic and could only come through in the way of healings, retreats, or speaking of some sort. I had no idea that I would write. I have always had such a fear of writing and a long list of teachers who told me my writing was so incredibly terrible that I never imagined that I could do this or that I would want to. However, once I got out of my head and into my heart I started realizing the messages that I was getting. I sat down at my computer and started to write. It wasn’t the easiest thing, especially at first, but it has been a great process.
Why this has taken me ages to realize and trust is beyond me. Although quite personal I realized I needed to blog about it to help others like me who might feel the same and let you know you are not alone and not purposeless. I want to help you transform because we all need help along the way.
Writing this blog has been something for me to work up to on many levels. Sharing for me is fun. However, writing definitely hasn’t always been as my confidence was so low.
However, my husband really helped me get comfortable with writing as he is a writing teacher and a nice one! When I finally got the confidence to write I realized that I felt cut off from the world, I wasn’t contributing, and all I was doing was withholding so much of myself back and information someone else might need to hear. It was holding me back to be so boxed in.
Another reason I didn’t write was that I didn’t think anyone would want to hear what I had to say. I figured with everything that has been written, no one needed to hear it from me.
I also didn’t feel perfect enough to share. I have problems like everyone else and I figured who would want to listen to me if I wasn’t perfect. Especially being a healer, I always felt like I needed to portray the image of my life being great and on track. I was afraid to tell my story, thinking I was a failure, and that the people closest to me would reject me if they knew. I couldn’t open up and share my life. That aspect has been pretty scary but completely freeing. And now that I have opened up about some aspects of my life I wonder why I was scared in the first place. Talk about freedom!
And lastly, I have always been very protective about sharing my spiritual life with people. The persecution from not only past lives but being so strange in my childhood and early adulthood taught me not to talk about that side of myself. So, opening up and writing about me, putting my heart and my soul out there for people to read has been scary to face my fear of rejection once again but really enlightening.
So instead of being a part of the negative, fearful, closed-off energy, I am finding a way to be part of the positive, open, evolutionary energy; to help people transform and feel good. I want to help people raise their vibration, shed the backpack, garbage bags or possibly U-Hauls full of crap that they have been carrying around weighing them down.
It hasn’t been an easy journey and I am definitely not at the finish line. I still don’t have an exact plan but it is forming and most of all I know that I need to contribute. Share what I know, share my experience, and help inspire people to overcome their uncertain, troubled, and dark times.
This has been really hard for me since I have been a pretty closed off person not wanting to admit when things are wrong. I’ve always thought that if I shared my struggles I wouldn’t get clients. I have been really scared to become vulnerable and share my story but hopefully sharing my story will help others to become more vulnerable and in that space be more authentic; let in more love and light and uncover who they truly are.
I know I will never be off the journey, but I have overcome a couple of major hurdles recently in my life. I finally have started monitoring my minute to minute inside conversation, changing my story, and feel purposeful. I have come to accept that my purpose may have different ways of manifesting and that I need to be open to them and truly stop the fight.
Right now is such a major time in history and being a light on the earth is a major purpose right now. My inside and outside purpose is colliding right now and I believe it is the same for many others. Maybe right now your purpose is to raise your vibration and keep your minute by minute vibration at a really high level. Maybe it’s to do more things that make you feel joy, be mindful of your thoughts (as much as possible), and help others do the same.
Being present and watching my thoughts is one of the most difficult things that I have ever embarked on. It was daunting starting out. It was truly tiring at times which is why I avoided it for so long and fantasized about the big quick and easy ah-has. However, as time has gone on, it has gotten easier and easier. Not only that but I catch myself and can laugh at the little voice that sometimes wants to stay in dis-ease. I also feel lighter and brighter than I ever have before.
Without focusing on my small thoughts, I knew I would never get to the big breakthroughs that stick because my mind would keep taking me back to feeling little again and again.
So, sit back, realize you are here to have joyous fun experiences, do more things you like doing, just be, shine your light, and watch your world transform.
Copyright ©2020 Vanessa Holmes, Manifest Evolution, All rights reserved.
